I am a failure at love.  And I realize that most people do not have a wonderful success rate when it comes to love.  Let's think about this for a second.  Let's say that you date ten different women (or men depending on gender/sexual-orientation) and you only end up marrying one of them, then you have a success rate of ten percent.  Let's think about where or what else we might encounter in our lives where ten percent is considered a success.  In baseball if you get hits ten percent of the time that is a .100 batting average, 100 points below the infamous Mendoza Line and about 150 points below what is the bare minimum as an acceptable batting average in the major leagues.  If you were to only get ten percent of the questions right on a quiz you would fail, epically.  You only make one tenth of a cake it is a cupcake (not really a failure but not really what you are expecting).  You make ten percent of your free throws or ten percent of your field goals and you are going to find yourself no longer being employed by the NBA.  One of the hardest exams that one can take is the BAR exam to become a lawyer and even fifty percent of the people pass that.  You get the idea.  Most of us are rather unsuccessful when if comes to love.  But that's not what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about my horrible inability find/attract women that are not crazy or of any over-all quality.

Let me, once again, explain.  Over the course of my life I have only dated/attracted women that were crazy.  Without naming names I am going to explain a little as to why I think this is the case.  First of all why I think there are parts of me that attract those less-than-sane women.  First and foremost, I am a nice guy.  I know that lots of guys say this and they end up being jerks, but I truly believe that I am a nice guy.  I will always hold a door open for a woman, she could be eight or eighty, it doesn't matter.  If I am on a date I will always pay the tab.  It doesn't matter how bad the date went, it doesn't matter if she asked me out (which actually has never happened); even if we have been dating a while, I will make every effort to pay.  I always treat people with the utmost respect.  This doesn't just mean women, anyone that I meet automatically is given the same basic and high level of respect until they otherwise prove that they deserve more or do not deserve that high level.  I write thank you cards.  I know that this doesn't sound like much, but when was the last time that you received a thank you card for anything?  I am generous.  If you are down and need a pick-me-up, I will do my best to help you out.  This might mean a funny note, some candy, a small gift or a trip to the movies.  And I realize that thus far all I've described is how I do some rather superficial things.  Here's some of the deeper stuff.  I won't judge you, ever.  I accept you for who you are, with all your brokenness.  It doesn't matter if you felt like you have done something that was horrible, I realize that this is part of what shapes who you are.  I think that this more than anything else leads to my failure in love.  But more on that later.  The other part is that I like to see the good in people, which is probably the second most problematic part of my failure.  Instead of taking people at face value I like to see the good in them; potential, realized or otherwise.  This has gotten me into trouble more than once.  I can see that there is something more to a person, but that is not the person that they currently are, which is often why I fail.  These last two, more than anything else is what gets me into trouble with love.

Not let me explain why I think I fail.  Because of my "nice guyness" I have found myself in multiple positions where there is a girl/woman that is attracted to me but I have no interest in whatsoever.  OR I am such a nice guy that girls/women would rather have me as a close, personal friend than someone that they would like to date.  OR I become so disillusioned due to my desire to see some deep down good or potential in this girl/woman I end up regretting my decision later.  Let's start with the first one (names, locations, etc are not going to used out of some sort of sense of privacy), the being liked but not liking the woman back.  We've all been there.  We have all experienced a situation where we know that someone likes you but you don't feel the same way.  It's awkward, it's REALLY awkward.  It becomes the giant elephant in the room and I left my elephant gun back in Africa.  Let me point out a few things to the ladies that might be reading this.  Just because a guy is willing to go to the grocery store with you, that doesn't mean that he likes you, this is especially true if he doesn't have a car.  The same thing is true for other places that some one might go shopping, with the exception of Victoria's Secret or similar stores.  If a guy goes into a Victoria's Secret he is one of three things: already in a relationship with you, he wants to be in a relationship with you and is willing to suffer through being in a lingerie store with the knowledge that he is never going to see any of those items on you, OR he's gay.  Otherwise, don't read to much into the fact that you two went shopping a couple of times.  Secondly, if a guy is nice to you, it doesn't mean that he likes you.  I know, I know, there are lots of jerks out there and I've been told that girls really want a nice guy, but there are lots of nice guys out there; probably some that you already have turned down and are madly in love with you, swoon over them.  Third, just because you have shared deep personal stories with each other that doesn't meant that he wants to have some deep personal relationship with you.  We as human beings need to be able to share parts of ourselves with others, all this means is that he is comfortable with sharing with you.  Be thankful for that, but it doesn't mean that is likes you or loves you or is even remotely interested in you.  Just because some guy makes some sort of off-hand comment about he thinks you look nice, it doesn't mean that you should start planning your wedding together.  Lots of guys are more observant about fashion than you think, he might just think that you look nice today.  Although it is true, this might be a way to get you interested in him.  So, take it how you want it.  What are we on? Five?  Five, just because he's a guy and you are a girl, that doesn't mean that he wants to sleep with you.  You may think that you are hot shit, but in all likelihood you're not.  None of us are.  We all have standards, accept that.  Six, just because you have big boobs, that doesn't mean that guys are going to automatically lust over you.  A) Why would you want that sort of negative attention and be viewed just as an object?  B) most guys, most guys that you are going to want to date are not the type of guys that are just going to date you because of you huge rack.  For most of us, personality, sense of humor, smile, compatibility, etc mean a hell of a lot more than your T and A.   The short version is that don't look too much into what guys are doing, because a good chunk of the time, we aren't either.  My problem is that I do many of these things that many women interpret as interest without thinking about it until it is too late.  And then I have to deal with the not-break-up break-up.  This is one of many ways that I fail.  I end up attracting crazy women because I do things that are seen as hints at attraction when all I wanted to do was hang-out, go to the store, watch a movie or have a genuine conversation with someone.

Number two:  Entering the dreaded "Friend-zone."  Most of us can sympathize with this, whether we are male or female.  My problem is that I spend so much effort and energy to get a woman to be friends with me, that by the time that I am comfortable enough in how much I know about her to ask her out (read I finally grew the balls to ask her out) she feels that we are too close of friends to date because she doesn't want to ruin the friendship or some other bullshit.  Now let me say this, I have some very close female friends that if I were to have to choose between dating and possibly losing the friendship or staying friends for the rest of my life and never dating, I would rather remain friends.  I understand that, but the fact is that this happens way too often.  I have heard more about free panties from Victoria's Secret (see above) or menstrual cycles of some of my female friends or their current boyfriends than I really want to hear.  Yes, it's all well and good to here about what is going on in the lives of your friends, but when you so obviously like a girl, it doesn't help that they are talking about the other guy that they are dating.  At that point in time you just smile and nod as your heart shatters on the inside.  The problem is that at this point in time you know that you have waited too long, your window has closed and possibly forever.  In this way, I have failed more times than I can count.  I am more concerned about being friends with people than I am about dating them, another reason that I have failed at love.

Third:  Rose-colored glasses.  My ability to see potential in people is only rivaled by my ability to fail at love.  Seriously.  I can see potential in a person like a scout can see a Cy Young candidate when he's in high school (That's really impressive for you non-baseball oriented people out there).  In fact I take some pride in my ability to read people and see who they are, where they were and who they might be.  It has been a pretty handy skill to have when you work with a lot of people.  The problem then comes when I put on those rose-colored glasses when there is someone that I like.  All of a sudden any good and all of the potential that I see washes over the bad and other potential problems that I might see in a person.  It's like I'm all of a sudden blind to anything that might remotely be bad about this person.  And even if I do see the problems in people, I only see it through the lens that it will lead to potential good.  It is a huge problem when it comes to dating because it means that if you are someone that is crazy and I like you, I am going to rationalize the heck out of your crazy until I am convinced that it is a good thing.  Which means that I have been in more than one relationship with a person that is crazy.  Now they may not have certifiable psychological problems (although more than one has), but it does mean that the relationship becomes toxic and I am often the one that gets hurt the most. Once again, fail.

Another reason that I fail at love is my endless hope for love.  Yes I am a die hard romantic.  I will think endlessly about how I might impress a woman with some sort of grand gesture, even if I never do it.  I want to stand outside your window with a boom-box, I want to steal you a blue french horn, I want to stand outside your door with a cd player playing Christmas carols just to let you know I love you even if you never will, I want to sing a song for you that I wrote on the way to the airport and then sing it to you in the plane, I want to storm the castle for you after I've died, I want to cover the front lawn of your house with your favor flowers, I want to go ice-skating with you at midnight, you get the idea. In short I am Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother, except I have no hair, I'm not an architect, I don't live in New York and I don't wear sport coats.  I will continue to swoon after a girl long after she has made it clear that she is no longer interested in me because I hold on to the hope that she just might change her mind.  Of course this never happens and so then I will end up dating some one that I'm not entirely sure that I like simply to satisfy the romantic in me.  No wonder I am failing at love, I settle for someone that I am only sort of sure that I might like, like that relationship (or relationships) isn't doomed to fail.

In the end I fail, simply put.  I fail at attracting quality women.  Obviously, because the opposite were true I'd like to think that I would be married or close to it right now.  And if I am attracting quality women then I am so oblivious to it that I deserve to fail.  I fail at being able to be more than friends with someone.  I fail at not being clear in my intentions, thus leaving the door open for the crazies to walk in.  I fail at being able to be the romantic that I am.  I fail at truly connecting with someone because I'm not entirely convinced that I am interested in them.  And then there is the simple fact that I can't just go pick up a woman to save my life.  Seriously, I am the worst at just chatting up women in the world.  Okay, I'm sure I'm better than Dexter Longbeard that is playing World of Warcraft with Cheetos stains on his too-tight sweatpants right now, but just barely.  

Lastly, this is not directed at any one person and is in now way meant to be a critique of people that are close to me in my life.  I'm pretty sure that there are only two or three people that read this anyway so I think I'm safe to rant here.

There is much about this world that I simply don't understand: the workings of the internal combustion engine, drag coefficient for a 747, how gills work on a fish, how it is that teachers/firefighters/social workers/etc get paid next to nothing while movie stars can act like idiots and get paid millions, and much more.  But one thing that I simply cannot try to understand at all is how one person becomes attracted to another. 

Now I've heard all the theories: She'll know in 8 seconds if she likes you, opposites attract, you must be friends for there to be real attraction, it's about having common interests, he/she has to have a hot body, body type means nothing if there is no personality, you have to have self-confidence; the whole gambit.  And I've even read quite a few interesting theories right here from other xangan's posts.  But whatever the right theory is (and I seriously doubt that there is one) I seem to have not figured it out.  And it is starting to frustrate me.  Let me explain why. 

Almost a year and a half ago I realized that I was a bit of a mess.  My emotions were all over the place, I felt like I was lost, I was very unhealthy (265 at 5'11") and to top it off I've been losing my hair since I was 18.  So I decided that I would take charge of the things that I could change and change them.  Now I can't change my hair situation, but I could change my health.  I so I did some research and found out a healthy rate to lose weight and did research on eating healthy as well as how often I should exercise so after gathering my information I started to eat healthy and exercise five days a week.  I was losing about two pounds a week, and I was feeling really good.  After approximately two months I had dropped about 20 pounds.

Then I hit a bit of a speed bump.  Really it was more like a small mountain of many different things.  I started a new relationship (which was not conducive to good eating habits) and not long after starting that relationship I came down with bronchitis and mono.  Being sick was helping with the weight-loss but not in a healthy way that would be permanent. During my sickest point I was down to 228 pounds.  But just before Christmas I was dumped and so I went home for the holidays and just ate non-stop. 

I didn't get back on track until the first week of February, by that time I was back at 250.  But I was more determined than ever.  I was going to work out six days a week and eat right and I set a goal to be 210 by the 4th of July, that gave me a rate of just under two pounds per week.  And let me tell you it was not easy.  Every ten pounds it seemed like by body would plateau and I would need to find a new level of work out intensity to lose that two pounds.  But I did it.  July 4th came around and I lost the weight.  And I was feeling really good about myself.  I was running four miles almost everyday and really enjoying the new me.  Mostly.

I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't a little disappointed that I was not getting a couple of looks here and there from the ladies.  Now I was not ripped.  I was still working on removing that stomach flab, but I thought I was looking pretty dang good.  I thought that my in ability to attract women came from my physical appearance, but evidently that wasn't the case.  I found that I wasn't getting anymore looks that I had before.

It's is now six months later and not much has changed.  I'm still at 210, but I'm working towards getting back to that more "attractive" body type.  But even now I find that I cannot get the occasional glance from women.  At the same time I see men who are, how shall we say, less than perfect in body shape, and they still have some very attractive women.  I don't get it.  There must be something that I'm doing wrong, but I don't know what it is.  I'm working on those things that I can control, but is hair loss such a turn off?  Do women understand that this is something beyond my control?  If it is such a turn off, what can I possibly do to make up for it.  I refuse to buy Rogaine or get hair plugs or wear a wig or anything like that.  I've accepted the fact that I started going bald at a young age, it's part of who I am.  So what can I do?  I don't know what the right answer is, but I'd like to think of myself as a nice guy, someone that is considerate of others and very good "boyfriend material."  But I guess that isn't my decision is it?  I don't know what to do and it is pissing me off.  I sometimes wish there was an answer to these questions, but I fear there isn't.  Who knows, maybe God has someone picked out for me? (Wait, I don't believe in that either! Damn!)